tRoUbLe..
I have a lot of things happening this week and sometimes I just don't know how to react to the situation.
I remembered someone asking me whether I have true friends anot. The first thing that I thought of was whether I had friends in the first place. What I typed later does not refer to anyone specifically. If you know who's the person that I'm referring to,just keep it to yourself.
Because of my past, I never trusted anyone in my life before because the world is still realistic. To tell the truth, I never want to make friends in my life because I want to be on my own and I know that I won't betray myself. Friends to me seem like a way of being betrayed. In some friendship, I can't even trust the person and what is there to talk about friendship??Sometime you think that everyone can think like you but it's not always. You are just you and I am just myself. My tolerance level is not the same as you. You don't know what things you should not do which will irritate me and yet you carry it out thinking that it's a joke. What you think I am?A piece of joke? Sometime I just got a feeling that some friends just treat me like a tool that can help them. Once I help them to achieve what they want, I will be kicked out from their lives. And that's what I get for being their friends. After the whole thing, they never talk to me for once. I can tell who is like that and pick out all the flaws of every single one easily but it's just that I never want to mention about it in front of you.
In conclusion, friendship to me is as good as useless as almost none of my friends are that trustworthy. Maybe I should say that I don't want to have friends. I don't want to be a burden to them and I don't want them to be a burden to me too.
I'm gonna to tell you guys out there something which I only told a few of my friends. I can know bits and pieces of the future which means I can tell what is going to happen a few months before the real thing happens. For example, for the Chinese exam, before i even checked my sitting arrangement, I can tell you who is going to sit beside me, which teachers would walk pass me. I get to know these things through sleeping. When I sleep, I will dream of things that will happen in the future. Now, some of things that happen in real life always seem very familiar to me. Sometimes I just don't know what to do because all the things that I have dreamt of are negative and 90% of them came true. I recently dreamed of something very shocking but I'm not going to tell anyone as this may lead to more panic in our class.(It's about my present class.) I just pray that it lands in the 10%. Haiz..
Last saturday, I had this very strong gut feeling that I could not be able to survive for long and I would die very soon. This feeling was very strong. I didn't know why I had this feeling but I felt really scared now. I told someone about it and she suggested that I should go and tell all those people that I hold dearly I love them. Well, I think I should. If I leave this world, isn't the place nicer without me?
Sometimes I will start to think whether I am redundant in this world. I will start to think what is my role of living in this world?Waste resources?Contribute to the saving of the environment?I don't know and this hinders me a lot. Maybe I shouldn't have come to this world in the start.
Sometimes I don't really trust people at all. Our teacher conducted a talk about the weakness about ourselves. Actually I wanted to say a lot of bad points about myself but I didn't. Actually, I think that I have no leadership ability and I should not accept to be a class leader in the first place. I only know how to screw up the things instead of helping to solve the problems. I'm also not good at maintaining relationships. I don't know how to be someone's friends. I'm not myself when I'm with my friends. I always have to pretend to be someone else and never have the opportunity to be the same old self. I want to be myself. I don't want to be someone else just to get friends. But if I'm my old self, I guess no one will want to be my friend anymore. It's very tired for me.
I have been trying to forget my past and try to look at the future only. But some idiots keep making me think of the past. I never want to look back because I have a painful past. It's not what you guys out there can imagine. I suffer more than anyone who does in his first 17years of life. The reason why I chose AJC instead of other JC is to get away from my past so that I know no one and I can start all over again. But some idiots and I mean IDIOTS keep bringing those idiotic memories back. I'm tired. I was damned pissed yesterday. I almost couldn't control my anger and I had to go to the toilet to release my anger. You are damned lucky because it's still within my limits. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT YOU ARE DOING THAT. I ALREADY WARNED YOU BEFORE. IF SUCH THINGS HAPPENED AGAIN, I WON'T GURANTTEE YOUR LIFE. AND I MEAN IT..
After that incident, I had no mood to do anything. After jk,alex,aaron,ruisheng and I went to NUS, I went to my friend's house. I trained using his sandbag. I vented my anger on it. That's why I had bruises all over. I hit the sandbag without the use of the punching gloves and now great. I injured my right fist and I can't even walk using that hand. It's kind of useless. There are bruises on leg too. I guess that I was too angry yesterday to the extent that I didn't even feel the pain while hitting the sandbag. All I felt was pissed.
Now I'm typing with my left hand only. It was troublesome and tough. Stupid~!! I feel like changing my environment. I want to change to somewhere where no one knows me,no one know my past so that I can start afresh..
I remembered someone asking me whether I have true friends anot. The first thing that I thought of was whether I had friends in the first place. What I typed later does not refer to anyone specifically. If you know who's the person that I'm referring to,just keep it to yourself.
Because of my past, I never trusted anyone in my life before because the world is still realistic. To tell the truth, I never want to make friends in my life because I want to be on my own and I know that I won't betray myself. Friends to me seem like a way of being betrayed. In some friendship, I can't even trust the person and what is there to talk about friendship??Sometime you think that everyone can think like you but it's not always. You are just you and I am just myself. My tolerance level is not the same as you. You don't know what things you should not do which will irritate me and yet you carry it out thinking that it's a joke. What you think I am?A piece of joke? Sometime I just got a feeling that some friends just treat me like a tool that can help them. Once I help them to achieve what they want, I will be kicked out from their lives. And that's what I get for being their friends. After the whole thing, they never talk to me for once. I can tell who is like that and pick out all the flaws of every single one easily but it's just that I never want to mention about it in front of you.
In conclusion, friendship to me is as good as useless as almost none of my friends are that trustworthy. Maybe I should say that I don't want to have friends. I don't want to be a burden to them and I don't want them to be a burden to me too.
I'm gonna to tell you guys out there something which I only told a few of my friends. I can know bits and pieces of the future which means I can tell what is going to happen a few months before the real thing happens. For example, for the Chinese exam, before i even checked my sitting arrangement, I can tell you who is going to sit beside me, which teachers would walk pass me. I get to know these things through sleeping. When I sleep, I will dream of things that will happen in the future. Now, some of things that happen in real life always seem very familiar to me. Sometimes I just don't know what to do because all the things that I have dreamt of are negative and 90% of them came true. I recently dreamed of something very shocking but I'm not going to tell anyone as this may lead to more panic in our class.(It's about my present class.) I just pray that it lands in the 10%. Haiz..
Last saturday, I had this very strong gut feeling that I could not be able to survive for long and I would die very soon. This feeling was very strong. I didn't know why I had this feeling but I felt really scared now. I told someone about it and she suggested that I should go and tell all those people that I hold dearly I love them. Well, I think I should. If I leave this world, isn't the place nicer without me?
Sometimes I will start to think whether I am redundant in this world. I will start to think what is my role of living in this world?Waste resources?Contribute to the saving of the environment?I don't know and this hinders me a lot. Maybe I shouldn't have come to this world in the start.
Sometimes I don't really trust people at all. Our teacher conducted a talk about the weakness about ourselves. Actually I wanted to say a lot of bad points about myself but I didn't. Actually, I think that I have no leadership ability and I should not accept to be a class leader in the first place. I only know how to screw up the things instead of helping to solve the problems. I'm also not good at maintaining relationships. I don't know how to be someone's friends. I'm not myself when I'm with my friends. I always have to pretend to be someone else and never have the opportunity to be the same old self. I want to be myself. I don't want to be someone else just to get friends. But if I'm my old self, I guess no one will want to be my friend anymore. It's very tired for me.
I have been trying to forget my past and try to look at the future only. But some idiots keep making me think of the past. I never want to look back because I have a painful past. It's not what you guys out there can imagine. I suffer more than anyone who does in his first 17years of life. The reason why I chose AJC instead of other JC is to get away from my past so that I know no one and I can start all over again. But some idiots and I mean IDIOTS keep bringing those idiotic memories back. I'm tired. I was damned pissed yesterday. I almost couldn't control my anger and I had to go to the toilet to release my anger. You are damned lucky because it's still within my limits. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT YOU ARE DOING THAT. I ALREADY WARNED YOU BEFORE. IF SUCH THINGS HAPPENED AGAIN, I WON'T GURANTTEE YOUR LIFE. AND I MEAN IT..
After that incident, I had no mood to do anything. After jk,alex,aaron,ruisheng and I went to NUS, I went to my friend's house. I trained using his sandbag. I vented my anger on it. That's why I had bruises all over. I hit the sandbag without the use of the punching gloves and now great. I injured my right fist and I can't even walk using that hand. It's kind of useless. There are bruises on leg too. I guess that I was too angry yesterday to the extent that I didn't even feel the pain while hitting the sandbag. All I felt was pissed.
Now I'm typing with my left hand only. It was troublesome and tough. Stupid~!! I feel like changing my environment. I want to change to somewhere where no one knows me,no one know my past so that I can start afresh..